Ladies and Gentlemen,
Have you heard? An Evening at the Races is nearly here; please join us on Friday 28th February at ‘Ye Olde Skool’ racetrack. Doors (and very reasonably priced bar) will open at 6:30, with the first race 7:20.
So how is the going? Well the six (ish) furlong flat is a little boggy, let’s hope the ground dries up for optimum going. As for the world famous Steeplechase course the going is perfect, although you pundits out there will recall it is currently still closed due to the ongoing stewards enquiry following last seasons incident in the Egg Maiden’s Stakes when the gelding Knees up father White came a cropper at Janet’s Brush, suffice it to say efforts are being made and steward Scotty Mackay can confirm that a decision is imminent…
The races are being sponsored, and we can confirm that the Libyan (war) Lord Carlos of the Red Oilfields is taking time out of his punishing schedule to sponsor the inaugural Rhum Derby. We will of course also be welcoming his delightful, mysterious and fragrant wife Rebekhastahn. There are also rumours of the Masterchef Mile, these are purely idle speculation at this time, as the diminutive Katie and her Veg loving husband need to be persuaded that Peanut pony may not have long enough legs…
How can we get involved you cry?
Well, you can simply turn up, pay a paltry £3.00 and enjoy the shenanigans (including free hot dogs), or….
We do need jockeys….. As you may be aware, some of our more seasoned jockeys have question marks over them this season, Ricardo Dettori-Gulliver has had one too many falls in the paddock, and may be a little long in the tooth, he’s hoping to move into ownership, on the other end of the scale we have Steve Scudamore-Judge, his aggressive style has once again put him under stewards review, his technique of hugging the rails irrespective of who comes into his path has once again resulted in some spilt claret… Yesterday’s breaking news is that Arthur ‘the mower’ Bryant was heard to say he could no longer get his leg over, which is of course a worry to us all. We can confirm that the experienced and very sensitive lady jockey Sara Spanx Gulliver or GG to her pals, will be riding. So please new riders come forth, Scotty Mackay is awaiting your email, vital statistics and £5.00 (entry is obviously free too).
So what horses are running this year? Well, we have a very varied field in terms of talent this year, and the going is likely to be a concern to some owners. Rumour has it that the Selby Lowndes ‘silky’ stables are on top form, their colts finding some excellent pace now that Carlsberg is a permitted substance. There is of course the wildcard Nelson Noodle, a striking piebald gelding who has some blistering straight line speed away from the field, his owners from the Cul de Sac are hoping he finds this pace on the day, alongside their new filly Eileen. On a more somber note, after several years in semi retirement the successful 2016 stallion ‘King James the Shepherd’ trotted over the rainbow bridge last summer, however his owners have confirmed that his first colt foal ‘The Shepherd’s son’ (stable name George) is maturing nicely and may race. We know there are many more nags in the village, so please inform steward Scotty if you fancy your fleet footed equine for the prize, owners pay £10.00 which includes your entry and a free drink.
There will of course be a Tote if you fancy a flutter, and did we mention the ‘reasonably priced bar’? Come dressed for the occasion, it is rumoured that Lanie’s hat is pure Labrador, and that Hollie might not wear wellies….. So – call, text or email the chief steward Scotty Mackay on 07767791850 or email firstname.lastname@example.org